If there was ever a way to know how people would react to certain things, I would have loved to know what that way was. Most people that know my mother know that she is one of the hardest people in the world to understand. She shows no emotion. She keeps all of her feelings in so no one ever knows what she is thinking or feeling. So imagine what I was going through when I was contemplating how or if I was going to tell her about meeting my father. I had no idea how she was going to react to news like this.
In early August it happened. I told her. It was kind of random and unexpected. I never rehearsed or prepared for it. I just saw an opportunity and I took it. I had called her after work and was asking her some questions about my health history. The day before I had gotten some news from my doctor about some issues I was having. He asked me to try and get a little family history rounded up. So I called my mother, and started right off the bat. I asked her about her side of the family's health. Most of the stuff she told me, I already knew. But she talked for about twenty minutes on this portion of the topic. I didn't expect the conversation to last very long. I had called her on my way to the gym and had been sitting in the parking lot for a few minutes. She discussed her mother's side as well as her father's. Then out of the blue, I just said it. I said "what about my dad?" I asked her what his health was like and if she knew anything about him. Just bringing him up to her was raising the hair on my neck. It was a hit and miss with her and I was waiting for screaming or a dial-tone. Instead I heard something a little different.
She was calm. She said that as far as she could remember, he was healthy as an ox. There wasn't a lot she could remember about his family, but she remembered he was a healthy and pretty fit guy. This was no surprise to me as from what I knew about him, he seemed very healthy. I had already met him and I asked him about his health. He too said that he was healthy as can be. So I already knew, so to speak, but I just wanted to know what my mother knew about him. The news I had gotten from the doctor was pretty big, so I really needed to know as much as I could.
After she told me as much as I needed to know, I began to think. "Should I say it? Should I ask?" There was a moment of silence. I went for it. I told her. I told her that I there was something that I needed to tell her. I said that I didn't know how she would react, but I had to tell her and she needed to keep a cool head. I said that she had to understand my point of view and why I did it. I said that in 2008 I had met Scott. The phone was silent. I thought this was it. I'll never be able to talk to my own mother again. She was going to disown me. Then she spoke. The first thing she said was "what did he say?"
I went silent. Her tone was somewhat peaceful. I had kept it from her for three years and it was like she knew all along. At least that's the vibe I got. There was no yelling. There was no screaming. She was calm. Was this even my mother I was talking to? Who was this imposter. I thought she would be choking me through the phone, but she was curious. I'm a professional at outcomes, and the two outcomes that I was considering, didn't happen. What was going on here? I was confused. She was calm.
I started to feel guilty. I had kept this from her for so long because I was scared of her reaction. But when I told her, her reaction was, well, normal. I caught my breath real quick and cleared my head. It was a long silence before I spoke. I almost didn't know what to say. I thought quickly. I said that yes, I did meet him. He was a great guy. He seemed like a nice guy. He had a family and a son. My mother responded with a "yeah I know." She then went on to talk about him and what she had read about him. Apparently she had looked him up off and on as well. I don't blame her for that. I'm sure every time she looks at me, I remind her of him.
I asked her how long they were together. I put it straight forward and to the point. I asked when they started dating and when he took off for good. She was easy to talk to and it was kind of weird. I felt like I could ask her anything and it felt good. This is how I always wanted to talk to my mother. I mean, she was my mother. I didn't want to be afraid to talk about things. The feeling I was getting during this was almost a feeling of relief. I asked her if it was just a bar fling or was it a real relationship. She said she was with him for about a year and a half to two years. I was in shock. I had always thought that he hadn't been around for very long. But I would come to realize that I was mistaken.
He had told me that "do to the circumstances" he didn't know if I were his or not. He said that he and my mother were not together for very long. I heard his side of the story first. He didn't say it was a fling, but he sure as hell made it seem like one. Things at this point were down right confusing, but as the conversation went on, the puzzle pieces started putting themselves in place. Things were starting to make sense. My mother said that they were dating for quite a while. She went into details. She said that yes, he was a very nice, genuine, well-mannered man. She said that he was the love of her life at the time. He was the one. They had dated for the entire time he was around. Nothing more, I guess. She said that he was from money, but if you ever met him, you wouldn’t have the slightest clue. What she meant was that he was simple. His parents were wealthy, but it seemed like he didn’t want any part of that lifestyle. He was the simple life kind of guy. My mother said that he had bought a little shack out in the country, north of Fort Worth.
My mother at the time lived in Lancaster, Texas, and would drive out to his place often. After a while she got an apartment in Grapevine so that it would be easier for her to see him. She said that she was in love. He was such a great guy. I'm listening to all of this trying to figure how to feel. This guy left me and my mom and she is talking about him like he is the greatest thing ever. I would understand when it was all said and done. She said that he played the guitar and when she went out there to his place, he would sing songs to her. He must have been something if she remembered all this after twenty-five years.
I asked her when she last saw him. This boggled me. Apparently he saw me last when I was nearly six months old. That verifies the amount of time that she said that they were together. So his version of not that long was actually quite a while. I asked her what happened. Why did he just leave? She went on to tell me that he didn't just up and leave. It was gradual. She said that he was from money and she was not. And a lot of times the two don't mix. Her case for being with him was like a Cinderella story. It was something that shouldn't have happened but it did. She said the main reason for him leaving was his family, his parents especially. They wanted what was best for their son and my mom wasn't it. My mother said that he had two sisters. One was okay with the idea of them having me and the other one wasn't. She said that one sister actually came to the hospital with him to see me. My mom thought her name was Lisa, but she couldn't be absolutely positive because it's been so long and she might have the name confused with the other sister.
I was excited at the fact that he came to visit me in the hospital. My aunt had been the one to call him to let him know I was born. He came after a few days of me being there. My mom said that his sister came with him. His sister was emotional. She was teary eyed and saying how she was an aunt. I was ecstatic. Someone on his side was actually excited about me for a moment. This was awesome. I made me wonder if that sister ever thought about me. How could you not. You think you would remember your first nephew. Everyone would remember that. Anyway, my mother continued with how his family thought it was best if he leave. They thought that maybe my mother was just in it for the money. Maybe my mother wanted to keep me so that she could get into his pockets. This seems harsh, but I know this attitude is out there all over in full force.
What my mother was saying also made a lot of sense. Scot had told me "due to the circumstances, he didn't think I was his." This all was connecting. He didn't want to settle down at the time, so leaving seemed easier. Maybe he was getting pressured by his parents. That kind of pressure has a lot of impact. Maybe his family thought all that my mother wanted in keeping me, rather than abort, was money. Maybe they assumed that my mom would try and take him to the bank. My guess was that they did assume that. My mom said that one of the few ways of getting back at them was to prove to them she was not after money. She said that's why she never contacted him again and why she kept him from me for as long as she could. She wanted to prove his family wrong. She wanted to prove that she did not want to abort because I was real. I was not a ticket to money. And according to my standards, she did prove them wrong.
His comment now comes to play. If they thought so much that my mother wanted money, then after so many years of not asking for money or getting in touch with him for that matter, they must have thought I wasn't even his and that my mom was lying or my mom had cheated. After hearing this or telling yourself this for so long, you'll start to believe it. It's called fooling yourself. It's the same as the story of the fox and the grapes. The fox tried and tried to get the grapes. And when he realized he couldn't reach them, he told himself that they were sour anyways. He was fooling himself. It's the same in real-time with me. Now I understand that this may have not went down exactly like this, but after hearing both sides of the story, and listening to my gut, I can picture how it went in some manner. He himself said that he was selfish and thought only of himself. He knew I was his. Deep down he knew. There is no doubt in my mind that he knew what he was doing.
Over the course of this conversation with my mother, I was happy. So was my mother. I could tell that she was glad to finally get it off of her chest. I learned a lot. My life started to actually make sense. Out of everything she said though, not one thing bad was said about him. It was surprising. She had told me for so long that he was an asshole. If he ever wanted to see me, he could have. I asked her about this. She said that it was just easier to tell me that than the truth at the time. She said he was a good guy. He didn't want to settle down yet and she understood. The way she figured it, even if he would've stayed with my mom, it most likely wouldn't have worked out because of conflict with the family. So she didn't take that portion of it too bad. She also said that she wasn't the type to take him for child support. She said that if he didn't want to be in my life, then there was no reason for him to have to pay. My mother decided she could take care of me on her own and she would allow him to leave with no strings attached. After all, the only dated for a year and a half to two years.
She was mostly upset that he never desired to contact me. All those years and he did the exact same thing my mother did. He hid me form everyone. I am so glad that my personality and attitude can take this kind of beating. Getting lied to on one side and being completely hidden on another is rough. Obviously I was an accident and I am totally okay with that. I'm only an accident to my mom and dad. God above intended for this to happen and he has a plan for me. Whatever it is I'll just have to find out. But he gave me the tools to at least get through the rough times like this. And I thank him for that.
I love my mother for everything she has done for me. The lying and secrecy are small things that don't even have an impact on what she has had to go through to raise me. As for my father Scott, I forgive him. Why wouldn't I. He seems to be an extraordinary man. He is a father, only to someone else. His secrets are for a reason as well. He is only trying to protect the ones that he loves. All I want out of all of this is a feeling of purpose. I want to feel wanted by my dad, but I just don't know if that will happen in this lifetime. I can only try. And I will continue to do so until I get either closure or a relationship.
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