It's easy to say that my mother has always been there for me. If I was in need and she could give a hand, she would. She is like any mother, and would do anything to protect her children. There were a lot of times when I needed her. She was there every time. One of the ways she thought to protect me was to hide my true identity. I believe that she felt that if I knew about my father, then I would seek to know him. I had a curious attitude and she was right. I would have tried to find him. I think she may have thought I would get hurt in the process. A mother’s love is something only mothers can feel. I don’t know what it is like so I don’t really know how to deal with it.
I also believe that there was another reason for not telling me. Keeping secrets isn't easy. And in doing this she had to include some "white lies" that made it even worse. She basically resorted to keeping silent and just not saying anything. "If no one asks, then there was no reason bring it up." This would seem like an easy way out to most, but eventually someone would ask about it. Then what? I would eventually get old enough to figure it out. I think she was just kicking the can down the road for a later date, which is understandable. But, when all this involved keeping it from more than just myself, it turned into something more.
What I mean is, literally, the only people that knew about my real father were the people that were there in the time that I was born. That means that she kept it from her second husband, and even her current husband. I talked in an earlier chapter about the day that I scratched the name from the family tree page in my baby book. I said that when my step dad came in and found out what was going on, he started asking questions as well. This is because my mother never told him. And according to my mother, he still doesn't know to this day. I will explain this later on.
As soon as I figured out that there were others my mother kept my story from, I figured out why it was so hard for her to talk about it when I finally started to question her. From the time I asked her about my dad before I deployed, to about a few weeks ago from writing this, she had no idea that I actually met him. I kept it from her for years because I never knew what to expect as a reaction from her.
One thing that kept me from telling her was I didn't want her to get upset. In my mind, if I told her, the outcome would be one of two things. She would either be very angry or very upset. I figured that she would be very upset because she spent all those years raising me without him. He wanted nothing to do with me, and yet I still wanted to meet him and be friends with him. I thought that maybe she would feel as if I didn't love her or something. She was and still is a hard woman to understand. She is one of those who doesn’t often show their emotions. So she seemed unpredictable. The outcome for this could have gone any direction.
The other way that I had this outcome predicted, was that she would get very angry. I told myself that her reaction could be like the day when she ripped that page from my baby book. She went hysterical then and I thought she may do the same now. My reasoning for this is because maybe she would feel like I betrayed her. He left her to raise me on her own. He just took off. For her to see that I wanted to know him and that my personality wanted to forgive him and start a fresh relationship, would've devastated her. Also, maybe she wanted to keep me from him in case he ever wondered about me. She would get that satisfaction of his wonder. That was about all she could do to get back at him. And my curiosity took that away from her. After all she went through to raise me just so he could have it his way and live his dreams. She sacrificed everything to make sure I grew up. I would've ruined it all with one simple phone call and maybe that was why she was keeping it from me.
It was something I would think about for about three years before I made the decision to talk to her about it. I thought about him a lot and would talk to him occasionally through texting. Every time we talked wondered what she would think if she knew. I felt a little guilty. But I told myself that I was a grown man, and that I deserved to know. Texting him wasn't a crime. I would eventually tell her and she would just have to understand. I wanted to know my other half and she couldn't keep it from me.
I recently told her about Scott and meeting him. Her reaction... Let's just say that it was a complete shock.
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