9. After the Fact

Meeting my father was only the beginning. The hard part was yet to come. Keeping contact and trying to forge some sort of bond would become the next emotional task. I made a promise to myself to see to it that I would get in touch with him every few months or so. I have kept that promise.

Over the next few years though, Scott would begin to confuse me. I realized that our relationship was fragile and still in the early stages, but it was the way he acted and responded that would make things difficult. Since our meet up in Oklahoma, it has been me and only me initiating any contact with him. He had said that he wanted to keep in touch and wanted to have a friendship. I knew he couldn't be my father and I didn't expect him to be, so we agreed to a friendship. That is all I wanted to begin with anyway. I kept my end of the deal by sending him a text message every once in a while. It was always me who had to do this. He would respond most of the time. It would mostly be a simple response. I would send him three or four texts full of questions and he would usually answer one. It was always the "how are you doing" question. He would reply with "good" or "getting along." Other times he would not reply at all.

I remember sending him an email about a year after we met. I had gotten frustrated with the fact that he kept his distance from me. He would say one thing and do the exact opposite. The email expressed my feelings about our situation. I told him he was confusing me and I assured him that all I wanted was to be friends. After our conversation over lunch we had, I expected a little more from his end, but I wasn't getting anything. I was almost thinking that he was just doing all of this to be nice. Everyone said that he was a really nice guy, even my mother. But was he a little too nice? Did he really just want to call it quits give up? Did he even want to start something to begin with? I asked him all of this.

I thought about what he had said of my mother. He had said that he wasn't sure that I was his. He said that only my mother would know. He also said that a way to be completely accurate was to take a DNA test. But then he quickly went to say that it was unnecessary because my mom knew best who my father was, and if she said it was him then he wasn't going to argue. But over the months I began to wonder about this. My mother was infamous at changing her stories and keeping things from me. What would be any different with this situation? Maybe I wasn't his. So I told him in the email. I said that even though my mother told he was my father, there was just no way at the time for me to know the absolute truth. So I asked him if we could get a DNA test. I was ninety-five percent sure that he was my dad, but there was that five percent of me that was not satisfied. If he was telling the truth, then my dad could quite possibly be someone else. During this time I hadn't talked to my mother yet about meeting him, and so it was only his side of the story that I was hearing. I hadn't heard my mother's yet. I knew I was getting risky in asking him this. I didn't want to scare him or cause him to avoid me. I was just angry at how things were going.

He never responded to that email. I really honestly think it was because of that question. Thinking about it now, I'm guessing he told me to begin with that a DNA test was not necessary because he didn't want one. Once one gets done and the proof is there, then that's it. There would be no more denying it. It would become reality on paper. I know he got the email because it was his main address. He must have thought it would be easier to not respond. I got the hint. It would be the first of many hints. Deep down I knew that he didn't want to get any closer. As long as no one found out on his end and as long as he could keep me happy with one-liners in a text message, then he was satisfied.

I understand that he has his own life and his own family. But I deserve something. If he doesn't want anything to do with me, I would be fine with it. But rather than drag me on for years, just tell me. Personally, if he wanted to keep it a secret, I would be fine with that too. But he seems to want both. He just doesn't want to tell me. It was a pretty big deal for me to get the guts to contact him. I was so young.

The conversations we would later have were less and less about us, and more and more about things such as the weather. I used to email him every once in a while, but quit because he wasn't responding as much. So I would just text him. It was quick and easy. He answered most of the time. It was weird because I almost knew if he would respond or not, just by what I wrote to him. If I simply asked him how he was doing or what the weather was like, he would respond. But if I asked him a question about something personal, nine time out of ten he wouldn't respond. That would be okay. I could play that game. I would just text him until he did respond. I knew he was getting my messages.

There was this barrier it seemed that I was not allowed to go over. If I did, he would cut me off. As long as I kept it short and sweet, he was okay. I remember asking him in an email for his address one time. I knew he wouldn't give it to me, but it was worth a shot. I already had his address. I just wanted to see what he was willing to say. I figured that maybe he thought I would stop by or show up knocking on the door at his place. I am hardly like that. Yeah, sometimes I have actually thought about it. With an address and Google, it's pretty easy to do. I used to dream before I met him, back when I had the crazy idea he and his family would take me in with open arms, that when we met I would be able to hang out. I envisioned sitting with him on a porch drink a few beers laughing and talking about how we both live our lives for the last two decades. Again, this was just a dream. I really do wish it would come true. He seems to do so much with his son, so sitting on a porch with a few beers having a conversation doesn't seem like it would be the toughest thing in the world to do.

It was in May of 2011, when he opened up a little bit. It wasn't exactly good news though. He told me that his wife had passed away a few months prior and that he was taking it really hard. I felt really bad. I had read about her. Her name was Judith Kim. She went by Kim I'm guessing since that is how I was mainly able to look her up online. She was a breast cancer survivor. In late 2010, the cancer came back and she passed away that December. I don't know the details or what actually happened, but after reading about her, I learned that she was a very sweet and caring person. When I was talking to my mother, she even said that, after reading about Kim, my mom saw that she was a very nice woman and had a lot to offer the world. That was a lot to hear, coming from my mom.

I don't know what it would feel like losing your spouse, or your mother at that. I have dealt with death in my family for a long time, but nothing like losing someone this close. It would be hard. I texted him and told him that I was sorry to hear that and if he needed someone to talk to, I was a great listener. I would be there if he needed me to be.

The next several weeks all I was thinking about was him. So many things now were reminding me of him. It was hard not to think about him when I work at a hospital and hear the word cancer like once a day. He was all that was on my mind. I started texting him more. Then in June, I texted him and asked him if he would want to meet up again. I said Aug sixth was a good weekend for me. He didn’t respond. I texted a few more time, this time about how hot it was outside. He still didn't respond. After four days, he finally wrote back. He asked how I was and how the married life was going. Then he said he would check his schedule and see if that date would work out for meeting up. I was kind of disappointed that he wouldn't say something a little more promising. But I couldn't expect much out of him. So to hear that he would check and see would have to do. I left it at that.

A few weeks went by and I decided to text him. I asked him how he was getting along and if they had gotten any rain lately. He didn't respond. A few hours later, I got some guts and decided to ask him how he felt. I still have the text messages. This is what was said.

T. Do you ever wonder like what I'm up to, how I’m doing, or think about me period? I've just been thinking about you more lately and that's why I've been texting you.

S. Yes to all above. Just lately I've been trying to get my head together. I have a quote from one of my favorite movies that sums up where I am emotionally in my life right now. "Life has a way of making the foreseeable that which never happens and the unforeseeable that which your life becomes." I'm so sorry the way our story has played out. I believe everything happens for a reason, although the reason for our situation is not currently known to me and most certainly not fair to you. I can only hope that someday we will be able to understand...

T. I hope I didn't upset you. It's just hard for me to figure out how you really feel about me. After twenty-two years I finally got to meet you, which was one of the most monumental times of my life. And three years later the extent of our conversations is the weather. Even asking you that simple thing makes me feel like a burden. Ninety percent of me feels you want nothing to do with me (like I'm just a skeleton in the closet), and ten percent thinks maybe you just don't know what to say. It's tough on me too. This has never been about me jumping in saying "hey dad, what are we going to do today?" I just wanted a relationship, friendship, or something. A phone call saying hi. Maybe learn a little about my other half, anything. A kick in the ass for me bothering you lol. I don’t even know if you care to know me.

S. Your right... I don't know what to do. August 6th is still a possibility, will know for sure the week of. I like to ride my Harley. It gives me a chance to think... Maybe I'll ride it up to OKC. Bear with me... We'll figure it out.

After this I waited. I was hoping that he would reply with whether or not he was going to be able to make it or not. The days passed and August fifth came. I hadn't heard from him, and I was sure he didn't forget about what weekend it was. I decided to text him. I have these texts as well and this is what was said.

T. Are you free tomorrow or do you have plans?

S. It's not looking good. I have to work tomorrow.

This really upset me. Over a month to make the plans and at the last minute, he says he has to work. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe my gut feeling was right. Maybe he really doesn't want to know me. I was so upset at this point. I had thought this whole time that he would be too nice to not show up. I had even told a few people that I was going to be meeting my father again. I was excited. The people told were happy for me. How was I going to tell them that he pulled a fast one and had to work?  I understand if he had to work. But what about the next day which was Sunday?  He didn't even offer. In fact he didn't even say when a good time would be. I texted him back.

T. Well you got to get as much work in as you can in this economy. I guess if you ever want to visit just let me know when and where. I'm available 24/7 and can meet, drive, or fly anywhere. I do feel like I'm chasing something that is not there but I've been trying to ignore the hints and vibes. But it is clear as the sky above us. I'm like an annoying fly that won't go away. Reading about you, you were this genuine, fatherly, family man. That's where the hope for at least a friendship came from. I read about your son, and it's weird knowing that I have a brother out there that I'll never know. Maybe that is what scares you the most. I don’t know. I do know that you obviously have boundaries that you want to keep firm and I totally respect that. I'm not trying to ruin what you have built or make you feel like you have to explain your past to anyone. I don't believe that what I am asking for is wrong. I'm just living. Many go through this same deal. And the outcome goes both ways. Good and bad. I thought it would work out okay, since you actually replied to me and wanted to meet and said that you were okay with a friendship. But it really just feels like a three year rejection. If you wanted the slightest anything, I think it would have happened by now. but like I said, maybe I'm chasing something that your running away from.

He then called me. I didn't answer. He left me a message saying that he couldn't text all that he wanted to say. He said he was sorry for having to cancel the plans to meet. His wife used to run their magazine publishing company and since she passed away he has been having to do it all. His magazines were supposed to be printed early in the week, but they were not finished until Friday, so he had to spend all of Friday and Saturday delivering so they would get out on time. He also said to keep him posted.

I texted him back, telling him that I got is voicemail. I asked him if it would be alright if I called him that evening. He said that would work. This happened to be the day that I told my mother about him. I had called her right after I got off work and was headed to the gym. Later on that evening after knowing what really happened. According to her story, I called Scott. The conversation didn't last very long. It was only about seven minutes or so. He apologized and said that he would let me know as soon as a weekend opened up for him. He said that it shouldn't be too long and that he would try to make it happen before the end of September. He said that he was still coaching hockey and the season would be picking up then, which would take up all of his time. So the way he was putting it, it wouldn’t be long before we could meet up. It is now the last weekend of August and I'm still waiting on that call. I doubt it will happen, but I could be surprised.

None of this I've been writing has been to make Scott out to be the bad guy. This has been about my journey. It's the way I have seen and interpreted things. He may have entirely different reasoning for keeping his distance. He may feel bad. He may feel like he made a mistake in meeting me. Whatever the case may be, life will go on and the World will keep spinning. I just want everyone to be happy, including him. This has been a very difficult time in my life and I know that it will get better. It always gets better. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to learn how to reach it.